Comfort Writer

Thoughts while I wait...

2011-01-04T18:59:00.001-08:00

I quite often find myself in situations where I don't have a computer or a book but have time to kill; therefore my attempt to use my time a little more wisely. Today was the second day back after Christmas break and I am tired. I'm sure its due in part to it also being my second day back on the 5/1 plan. Krystal and I restarted together and both of us plan on helping each other. Have to check with her later to see how today went for her. I had a good day except for the trail mix which was mostly peanuts and raisens (sp?). I think ther were three or four chocolate candies.

I've been thinking more about working on that support network and have thought about a couple of people I would like to approach for some advice. I've never had a group of friends or even a friend I felt I could turn to for support and advice. I'm prety sure this is a problem of my own creation; however, every 'problem' has a solution!

I wanted to share my most recent ...time to go for now.

Now for my thoughts...

2011-01-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

When I was 10 years old I prayed for salvation and committed myself to Christ. I wanted to do only God's will from that point on in my life. As I read through the various materials for Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous I realized that I have

1. Admitted I was powerless over sin.
2. Believe that God can restore me to sanity.
3. I have given my life and will over to God. (I just need to get better at staying out of the driver's seat!)
4. I am constantly taking a moral inventory of my life.
5. This is where the daily living part comes in and where I need to improve. Steps 4-12 are steps that may be repeated several during a lifetime due to circumstances and decisions we make.

No, I don't think I need a 12 step program for the steps; however, there is something to be said for the fellowship that can be found. I tried one of the Coda meetings here in the area and was not impressed at all. In fact it was rather depressing. When I walked in no one made eye contact, said hello or acknowledged that we had entered into a room where a meeting was going to soon begin. Thankfully we had chosen to be there and were in the correct room. As the meeting progressed each person read from their chosen script in sometimes bare audible monotones. Then as participants shared there was no rhyme or reason to the sharing - unlike the AA and NA meetings I have attended.

My time is short tonight so I'll end with my thoughts from this morning:
*I need to set a schedule that includes working on self
*I need to work on establishing my 'support' network

How does one go about developing a support network?

The 12 steps...

2011-01-02T22:51:00.000-08:00

The following are the 12 steps as they would read for either a (codependent) or an overeater...

We admitted we were powerless over (others) food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to (codependents) compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Codependency; another way to look at it...

2011-01-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

Am I Co-Dependent?

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. (I underlined the ones that I identify with in some way)

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.

Overeater, codependent or both; on the other hand, does it really matter?

2011-01-02T13:47:00.000-08:00

Are You a Compulsive Overeater? (From Overeaters Anonymous)

This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.

Do you eat when you’re not hungry? yes
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? yes
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? yes
Do you give too much time and thought to food? yes
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? yes
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? yes
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? yes
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? yes but getting better...
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall

Which is it?

2011-01-01T00:24:00.000-08:00

Codependency and Christian Living

On the surface, codependency messages may sound like Christian teaching—

¨ “Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
¨ “Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
¨ “Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

These statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy? Codependency says:
¨ I have little or no value
¨ Other persons and situations have all the value
¨ I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or values
¨ I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
¨ I must give myself away
¨ If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms. Motivation differs. Does the individual give his
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Changes #2

2010-10-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I briefly shared the tentative plans we had for last weeks vacation. Things went as planned up until Wednesday. We arrived in Mattawa Monday evening as planned and settled into my moms guest room. Tuesday the three of us slept in while my parents went to work. By about 12 I was up and around and decided I wanted to go visit my mom at work and then drop by and see my sister-in-law, niece and baby nephew. Krystal was already with my brother and going to be going to their house later anyway. I suggested John come along but he wanted to stay at the house to watch movies and relax. I ended up being gone until that evening; getting home in time to help fix dinner. The next day (Wednesday) we had decided was a good day to get most of the senior photos out of the way since we needed to get up to Spokane also. Mom wanted zucchini bread made so we (Trin; sister-in-law, Krystal and I) agreed we could make it and do the senior photos since Krystal wanted the pictures taken in the orchard behind Trin's house. I figured John would come along since Trin and Justus have cable and more to offer for 'entertainment'. Plus he could play with the kids, etc. Enjoy the family with me. Instead he decided he would rather take Mercedes somewhere and head out on his own.

This is where the story becomes a series of random decisions. Not long after getting to Trin's house to start bread and take photos my sister calls. Her meeting in Kenewick had been shorter than planned so she had time to come through Mattawa and she had decided that we needed to have some sister bonding time. I was to pack a bag and be ready to go in an hour. I informed her that I had already committed to helping Krystal with her senior photos and couldn't walk out on that. She said she had some time to spare so to hurry up with the photos and she would be there soon. Not sure I even wanted to go and not wanting to just leave John hanging I called him to see what he thought. His reaction: "Sounds like a great idea, you should do it!" I hadn't expected that response at all and decided in that moment that it must be God letting me know this was the direction for the day.

In order to fit this new twist into our 'plans' I worked out with Krystal and John that they would come up to Spokane the next day at some point so we could take care of that business and stay the night with my sister to go home on Friday. What I didn't realize when I was making these plans was that my sister had borrowed my brother's truck and wanted me to drive it back down to Mattawa for her; eliminating the need for John and Krystal to come get me if it wasn't necessary.

Since I had gone with my sister to Spokane John had decided to drive into Seattle to spend some time with his cousin. I encouraged this trip knowing he would enjoy that much more that sitting at home with my parents. In addition, once I realized it was not necessary for them to come to Spokane right away I figured this would give me a chance to meet one of my friends in Spokane for lunch.

My writing timer has gone off so I must honor my commitment and stop. Good night for now...

Changes

2010-10-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Life is full of changes; some bigger and more life altering than others while some go by unnoticed. Recently we took a trip to Washington on a week's vacation. Various events have altered the lives of everyone in my family one way or another.

The trip, as planned, was going to be fairly uneventful. Leave on Saturday to arrive in Portland that evening. Stay until Monday to visit my stepson and his girlfriend before going on to my family in Washington. There were tentative plans to go into Seattle but most importantly we needed to get K's senior portraits taken and gather needed college information. Since my sister just recently purchased a new home and the college's K is interested are there we hoped to make it into Spokane as well. While there we figured we would snap a few senior photos and visit a family friend. The week was to culminate with the apple cider press in Mattawa; attended by all my family members and other family friends and community members. Since K and I would need to return to school on Monday we planned on leaving Sunday morning, stopping shortly in Portland to say a quick hi/bye to Todd and then on home.

Those were the plans as we thought things would happen but a variety of spontaneous decisions led to a very different week than planned and possibly altered the paths of our lives indefinitely. When was the last time you acknowledged the changes that occur in your life and the impact they have?

A quick thought...

2010-09-22T23:18:00.000-07:00

One of the motivating factors in losing weight has been the prospect of being able to get off some of the medications I have been put on over the years. Due to circumstances slightly out of my control I ran out of one of my prescriptions and have been without it now for a little over a week. None of my family members have noticed a change in my emotional state and I have been able to sleep, work, etc as normal. I've been on this medication the longest and in the past haven't been able to go more than three days without feeling physically sick (tremors, anxiety attacks) and emotionally on edge. This time - nothing; no symptoms of any kind. Thank you for the hidden blessing! My current difficulty: I still haven't figured out which came first the emotional or physical? Did one problem create another or was it a simultaneous downward spiral, one tumbling in front of the other on a whim?

Life is looking up

2010-09-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

It's been five months now and I've lost a total of 60 pounds. I never thought I would be able to say those words; especially after only five months. The changes I have experienced are physical, mental and emotional. I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I like what I see. There are flaws; it's not a perfect picture and I can smile with pride.

I touch my chest and feel the closeness of the bone; feel my ring spin around my finger as I notice muscle tone and definition in my arms. I was about 20, had put on 20 pounds since high school and was visiting a friend when our weight became the topic of conversation. I still had a nice figure (I have a picture of me in a leather mini-skirt from that day) and hadn't really registered or cared about 20 pounds. That day I remember saying something about not really caring what the scale said because I don't ever look my actual weight and seem to maintain a 'figure'.

Well, the years went by (20 years, coincidentally enough) and those twenty pounds turned into 70 pounds. I was once an energetic, athletic, cheerful and outgoing young woman who found myself feeling 60 years old at 50. To be honest, I know 60 year old people who probably feel and move better than I did a few months ago. The weight crept on over the years making it easy to ignore the scale. I mean really, when you think about it, that was only a little over 3 pounds a year that I gained. At 170 I had only gained 15 pounds. 10 years later at 190 I had only gained 20 pounds. 10 years after that at 226 I had only gained 50 pounds. Now, if you're doing the math as you read you've already figured out my math is off just a little. It wasn't my math, it was my awareness. My ability to look at myself and accept I have a problem with food.

There were many factors that contributed the this lack of awareness. Time is limited and the bed is calling; more tomorrow.

Is there lack of awareness in your life?

2010-08-20T20:04:00.001-07:00

Life comes in waves
Slowly rolling during peaceful times
Crashing and thundering during storms
The boat we build and shipmates
Influences
Our experience.

2010-08-07T20:29:00.001-07:00

buying something emotionally. Ugh, I hate this part. This feeling so alone and wishing for a couple friends to do things. I don't know why it hits me

2010-08-07T20:28:00.001-07:00

The yrdsale was a succuss today; we had it cleaned up by 4 or so. Went in the house to relax for a few minutes and then planned on working in the yad bu

2010-08-07T13:25:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in my front yard, enoying the cool breeze and waiting for the next yard sale customer. I live on a fairly busy street so lots of cars slow d

Thoughts...

2010-08-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

Weight loss; true weight loss does not have to involve ups & downs. TSFL has provided me the opportunity to really compare fat me to thinner me because it has happened so quickly. Here are a few of the thoughts/things I've noticed along the way.

**Veins are more noticeable/prominent on my legs and arms
**Just 10 pounds was enough for my feet to stop hurting, joints to stop aching
**I have knee caps!
**Pants get longer as you lose weight or I'm getting shorter.
Next day:
**Ooh, there's less around my waist, hips, thighs = material not as stretched out = 'shorter' legs or 'longer' pants.
**You know how you're supposed to have ribs & hip bones? I thought I had lost mine but I found them again!!
**My ring is no longer impossible to remove
**You really do gain/lose weight EVERY where!!
**Walking Mercedes the other day I realized how free my body felt; my thighs weren't rubbing together, arms swung free and only the appropriate parts jiggled.
**I think I might readjust my goal - this is way easier than I thought it would be!!
**My self-esteem has increased with every pound lost
**Change is not as scary as I thought it would be; it hasn't been easy and the battle isn't over but it sure feels good to be in the field...

I held back for years due to my fear of 'rocking the boat'; making excuses, treading water rather than swimming. My one regret at this point is that it took as long as it did for me to really commit to change. I know what was holding me back, what's holding you back?

The journey has begun and it's all I thought it would be plus more...

2010-08-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

Have you reached a point in your life where you have to make a change? I reached that point to over a year ago but it took until this spring to finally reach that true turning point and begin making changes.

This past school year brought a big change at work - I started at yet another new school; however, this time I became the teacher in charge. I was no longer working in a team - just me and my two instructional assistants. It wasn't a bad year but it wasn't a good year either. I spent the majority of the year feeling like I was playing catch-up, always a step behind where I needed to be and tired; very, very tired. On top of it all my weight hadn't changed - in fact I reached my heaviest this year. 226 pounds and I was barely able to walk the dog without my feet hurting. My endometriosis wasn't improving, counseling was keeping me sane but barely; I was even beginning to think I needed to see about INCREASING my medication.

Spring Break came and boy was I ready. It signals the down-hill run to the end of the school year and I was ready! We moved into our newly purchased home in January and still had a lot of unpacking, painting, etc that needed to be worked on. I spent the first few days doing nothing but sleeping and relaxing. Krystal had been in WA since the previous week and called to let me know that she had decided to try the weight loss program my parents had started the year before. I hung up the phone and immediately began to sob - I needed to do something too! If my daughter had the courage to try something and really wanted to make the effort then I should too! I sat with John and explained that I had to make changes - starting with trying out the Medifast products to see if I too could lose weight and begin to feel like a normal human being.

I ordered my food which arrived about ten days later. I began the Take Shape For Life program on April 14 and have lost 48 pounds. I weighed this morning and I weigh 178 pounds!! Only 13 more pounds to my original goal weight and I feel great! My endometriosis has improved tremendously, I have more energy than I could have imagined, my mental state has improved as well as my emotional. This path is a new one and it hasn't been without it's bumps and potholes but I'm moving forward and I'm learning to live my life in a new way.

Tomorrow I'll share some of the many things I've learned/discovered over the last few months of physical, mental and emotional change and self-discovery. One big lesson I am learning quickly - it is critical to have people around you who are supportive of your efforts. How do you go about ensuring you are surrounded by support?

2010-06-10T08:31:00.001-07:00

Addiction isn't just a disease, it's a cancer that slowly eats away the soul.

2010-05-16T19:11:00.001-07:00

'The Rose'-such a simple yet important messege.

Inner Reflections

2010-04-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

I finally made it to the counselor after a two month hiatus. Not by choice really, just busy, time goes so fast sometimes. Prior to and since the session I have had many instances in which I have relfected on several of my issues, spoke to the counselor about a couple and want to put the others here so I don't forget. I shared during my session that there were things that I used to sneak, which I feel partially led to my food difficulties, and activities I engaged in as a child

What I hadn't tried to discern was the reason for this need to sneak these things. I have shared before that my mother was somewhat controling and I a very compliant child. Although to hear her tell it I am not at all compliant but very strong willed & stubborn. This control carried over into emotional control. It was not uncommon to be told that 'if you don't have something to cry about, then I'll give you something to cry about.' Many times my tears came from fear, anger, frustration, a minor injury or the knowledge that I had done something wrong. Yes, this strong-willed child often told on herself rather than being found out and punished.

Even as a teenager I would have times when I would cry, not knowing why. When asked what was wrong, if I didn't have a 'valid' reason for the tears or coudn't voice immediately what had prompted the emotion then the tears were dismissed. The times I would try to discuss the lonliness, feelings of depression, my weakening self-confidence, or any number of other emotional issues I was dismissed with stories of her own, current difficulties, told to buck-up 'cause there's no running from our issues and I was reminded to get in fellowship with God and pray about it. What I have realized since my counseling session is the possible reason behind the sneaky activities in which I engage(d).

Before I go there: I shared in an earlier post that my mother-in-law suggested that I beat the bed with a broom stick or the tub with a wet towel until I was unable to lift my arms. My counselor asked me what I thought of this and if I thought it would serve the purpose - release all the pent-up emotions in this apparent pressure cooker I call a body. Honestly, the thought of doing such a thing seems strange and even if I did it when JT and Kry were not at home I don't think it would be helpful. It is an artificial setting and I have repressed my emotions (I think it is most often anger) for so long that I don't know how to 'let go' in such a way to allow this kind of exercise to be helpful. I need to be in a vulnerable state already, on that verge of bursting, for it to be anything other than an futile exercise.

All things considered, and yes I have purposfully been vague on some aspects of this thought process, I think it may have been so that I could finally have something that was in my control and it helped me feel/release those emotions without being told I needed to get in fellowship and pray. Food gave me something to control, sneaking it provided a physical response and the other activities also worked to provide me an outlet for physically releasing these still foreign emotions.

The need to show no emotion, do the best job possible and keep everyone happy eventually makes for a numb feeling from which I can't seem to escape. Sure, I can cry at a sad story but recently I have started to lose this control. My health, both mental & physical, is suffering from this issue and must be resolved in order for there to be long term successfull healing.

2010-04-01T17:05:00.001-07:00

'you're a preasure cooker ready to explode and we need to find a way for you to release your emotions'. My mother-in-law today after giving me a session and asking if I journal. Haven't been lately and no counseling either. Scheduled an appointment for next week. Round and round we go.

2010-03-31T00:34:00.001-07:00

Work keeps me occupied, vacations bring too much time to stop and bring the truth to light. Reality dims the hopes and dreams imagined during times of stress. This Eeyore needs to think more like the Little Engine that could.

Plotting my return

2010-03-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

Time has flown by since I wrote last; the school years is almost over, 2010 is almost 1/4 complete and the world is still topsy turvy. I have just completed my first official day of spring break doing very little at all. I did manage to accomplish a few dishes and a load of laundry, looked at my options for a new phone, checked on the tax return and made some dinner.

I'm going to try writing a post at least once a week now that things have hopefully settled down some. Life has brought many changes since my last post in November.

*Our home purchase was finalized in December (with too much drama and stress, but we got it done!)
     >The heating/air conditioning was upgraded in January & we started painting the interior
     >Moved in first of February
     >Still not unpacked or finished painting
*New job has been very stressful & overwhelming at times
     >Instructional assistant decided to 'do her own thing' rather than discuss with me solutions
     >Multiple duties of RSP/SDC and RTI are too much; had to reconsider group sizes & structures
     >Lack of 'drill sergeant' voice/demeanor has continued to make it difficult to control class

         *Have requested assistance, principal very understanding & willing to help (understands I'm just not the 'drill sergeant' type)

*Family relationships have been much better; there have been bumps here and there but they are getting along better. Although now he complains that I am much more bossy now. I guess it's ok to get stronger in my interactions with her but not with him. Aahh well, rough for him - if he wants me to have more backbone then it's going to apply in all areas.

*Had over week long visit from step-son, his girlfriend & her son. Great visit, can't wait to see them again!

*Turned 40 without anyone noticing. The 40 part anyway, most people who asked were shocked, thought I was 'much younger'.

*Finally got a new pair of Burks & am getting two favorite pair repaired/reconditioned.

(Music plays softly in the background as rain drums on the roof and wind plays the chimes on the porch)

*Had mamogram/ultrasound; they found a couple of cysts again so have to go back in 6 months; doctor wants me to see specialist

*Haven't lost weight, worked out or changed eating habits - still on the 'To Do' list

*Two weeks of spring break to get :
    >painting
    >unpacking
    >lesson planning
    >gardening
    >and various other projects
done.

I'm tired just thinking about it all...

Well, that has been life, in a nut shell, since November. I haven't written anything that didn't have to do with work since December and am ready to express. No writing AND not seeing a counselor is just too much. I do much better with both but neither has been near disasterous. Poor JT even said something the other day, just as I was starting to. I told him that I was really feeling the difference - not seeing her. He asked why, since we have been talking. He is the only person I have to talk to besides my mother and I can't talk to either one of them about some things. I don't seem to have a best friend that I can call up or meet up with for 'girl talk'. Like I even know what that is really; I just don't know what to call it. Basically, I still don't feel comfortable telling John every little think that bothers me, irritates me, makes me angry, hurts my feelings, etc. That is what I use my counselor for - to talk about all the things that I don't feel like I have any control over at home and don't feel I have someone I can talk to about.

Am I the only one who is in this position? Do you share ALL with your spouse? Do you have a friend you can debrief with?

Life moves with the current of time...

2009-11-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

It's been too long since I posted but not much has happened ove the last few weeks. We are no closer to being in a new home, in fact it is looking less likely now than it did a month ago. Only God knows what is in store for us in the coming months. I've been writing in my journal rather than here. The thoughts, fears, rantings were too personal for this forum. During the same time though I have been working on a piece that I just posted called Suicide Angel. It's a story from my JT's life - one of the many I hope to compile. Writing group tomorrow and an afternoon of report cards, IEP writing, and writing lesson plans. Thanksgiving is around the corner and Christmas is just over the hill - are you ready?

Fall Break

2009-10-13T00:38:00.000-07:00

Our school district takes a week off in the fall and I am enjoying my break from the classroom. Things are so topsy turvy right now I'm not always sure what direction I'm going much less what day it is.  People often talk of 'one door opening as another one closes' - what do you do when it feels like several doors are opening & closing all at the same time?! It's not so much opening/closing doors I guess as it's blessings coupled with emotional chaos that is causing my mental frustrations.

Praise:
    > Received almost double expected amount of financial windfall; enough to pay off most of cards, make down payment and put some in savings.
    > Offer on house accepted; based on current rates payment will be less than current rent payment.
    > Receiving monthly child support for the first time in 16 years.
    > Finally got new bras today - Mercedes decided to chew on the last two I had, making it necessary to get new ones ;>)

Prayer:
    > JT & Kry not getting along any better; still feel like I am stuck in the middle and can't please either one.
    > Emotional state of whole household is going downhill; have to get JT to counseling with me or just bite the bullet and make stand at home.
    > Personal health (emotional & physical) suffering
        * Depression interferring more often
        * Pain in feet/heels has returned & not even exercising
        * Pain in hands getting worse; some days hurts to hold pen to sign name

It's past midnight and time to get some shut eye. I'm sure my life is no less chaotic then most; some would even say I have nothing to complain about. My hope is that by putting these thoughts here, typing my rantings for all or none to read, calmness will find its way to the waves of thought that currently thunder in my head.

2009-10-12T01:08:00.001-07:00

Why does no one seem to believe - I talk in order to relieve - I hope to find support - Instead I endure yet another report - of all my failures as a mother - hearing from one is bad enough - both becomes unbearable - don't yell at her he snaps - for telling Sadie no, as she pawed at the back seat - call psych for apt - call counselor about bringing S to apt, try to get Jt to go - he manipulates too - pray for me Lord, my heart is weary - carry me Lord, my legs are weak - Amen

Med update

2009-09-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

*Warning this contains graphic physical/medical terminology*

I had an appointment with my obgyn a week ago and we have come up with a plan of action to address my concerns. I went to her because I have had rectal bleeding every month for over 6 months; indicating the endometriosis has advanced to the point of breaking through the mucus layer in my bowel. I am worried that a blockage could occur which would then require emergency surgery and possible long-term problems. We discussed several possibilities but settled a multi-directional approach.
        *I am to make an appointment with my psychiatrist and find out the possibility of increasing my cymbalts to help with pain management & recent increase in depression symptoms.
        *Dr. is going to check in to a new medicine that has possible benefits for me and dealing with the endo.
        *Dr. will request depo/lupron shot approval from insurance. She wants me to get at least one shot before having surgery.
         *Dr. will perform surgery to remove final ovary and any endo possible.
         *Will go on HRT

My concern with this plan is the depo/lupron shot. The major side effects for this are hot flashes, night sweats, depression, weight gain and sometimes thyroid problems. Already have night sweats, have been diagnosed bipolar 2 (depression with periods of even deeper depression), have weight issues and a thyroid problem.   The purpose of the depo/lupron is to shrink the endo. This is done by putting your body into artificial menopause and can be administered for up to a year. Each shot lasts 3 months. Dr. wants me to go through one 3 month treatmen in order to shrink the endo away from the bowel a little so she possibly won't have to cut as far into that area. However, when depo/lupron is used it is more difficult to even see the endo; diffrentiated it from other scar tissue.

I don't want to put myself or my family through the emotional upheavel it sounds like this would cause. I'm not sure I could continue working at that point. So much to consider and on top of it all JT and Kry had another major blow-up last night.

The bell has sounded and my time is up - I must run before I turn into a pumpkin! :) Actually just need to get in bed so I can get a few hours of sleep before the dreaded wake-up ring causes my phone to shutter violently on my bedstand. Goodnight.

2009-09-27T02:49:00.000-07:00

This deep abyss grows darker by the minute, my heart pounds as I sink deeper into this hell they call depresion. Please pray for the wayward souls that find ourselves here. Prayer comes hard at times and we need others to pray that we'll feel God's presence. Save us from ourselves...my head is pounding, my neck a taught bunch of muscels - I must try and get some sleep. Goodnight.

WIG...the nitty gritty

2009-09-26T02:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my first Week in a Glance (WIG). I've decided on Friday's to try and post a quick recap of my week - the highlights so to speak.

Monday - work went as good as could be expected considering the wrench that was thrown into my schedule. I managed to rework things though and have the required groups of students, for the expected amount of time, receiving the leveled instruction they need.

Tuesday-worked out small kinks in schedule and prepared materials for new groups. Kry's back to school night did not go well. New principal leaves much to be desired in leadership and people skills. Am even more convinced we need to change schools. Hate to do that her Jr. year though so will not make decision until after visiting other school.

Wednesday- At work the new groups worked out ok, transition hasn't been exactly smooth but it is working. New principal of Kry's school was fired and old principal reinstated. Kry was unsure of possible new school, intimidated by size.

Thursday - took day off to deal with getting paperwork together for possible transfer but ended up meeting with new/old principal to get feel for what will be happening. District is going to form committee of parents, teachers and get student input for what to look for in new principal. New superintendant moved very quickly to rectify problem, admitting they had moved too quickly. Feeling much better about leaving her there - will stay for now and see how things are at semester. Mom in law dropped off printer, ink and paper - I have a printer for my classroom!!!!! woohoo!!!

Friday - TGIF. Work day went well. All groups ran smoothly and I think things will iron out and level off. Now just have to finish getting room organized to my liking and get the required testing done so we can get back to the academics. Kry's haired turned out very nice for homecoming dance. Mom still knows how to use a blow-dryer! Her emotional ups/downs are back and she almost came home early today but by time I saw message she was ok and willing to stay.

2009-09-12T15:50:00.001-07:00

I like this feature - i can log my exercise. Like now we are taking an undxpected trip to exercise mercedes. This would be great for my other blog to log the random thoughts, memories and events as they come to me. Rather than the current method of trying to remember until the next time i am sitting at my computer. By which time i have usually forgotten the wonderful flow of words.

2009-09-12T14:43:00.001-07:00

Just finished updating my blogger profiles and decided to try the mobil upload feature.

On the scale again...

2009-09-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

My new exercise partner------------------------------>

I may not have gone to the gym over the summer like planned or try out any classes but I did manage to start exercising. The new addition to our family requires periodic walks around the block in addition to two or three longer walks. Although now that we can go to the park she generally only requires an evening jaunt. Tonight we went down to the river and walked the trails, stopping at a boat launch to let Mercedes play in the water.

I have started back to the gym. Kry and I went yesterday and will be going again tomorrow. I weighed myself to get another starting point and discovered I have lost weight. Thank you Mercedes! My weight, tonight, was 212 which means I've lost another 5 pounds since my last weigh-in.

It's past my computer curfew but had to post since it's been a while on here. I've posted some things on other blog where I post poems, prose, quotes and other misc. pieces I've written and feel like sharing.

I'll be back this weekend to share reflections from this week.

Where does the time go?

2009-09-02T20:32:00.001-07:00

Summer flew by like a tornado and the school year is off at a whirlwind pace and I'm hanging on by a thread; flopping around like a sheet on the clothesline. The last 5 years I've team taught the special ed learning center program at two respective schools. On top of moving to a new school, this year I am the only special education teacher at the school and am charged with the task of firmly establishing a learning center model for the school. I have 17 students on my case load ranging from mentally retarded (yes we still use those words in the special ed world) to learning disabled. The learning center model places all students in the general classroom for a portion of their day and they come to the learning center for specific instruction. In addition, any other students, even those who are not identified, come to the learning center if their academic needs can best be met by the level of instruction being offered. That's a rather rudimentary definition but all the more I want to go into at this point.

Besides myself I have two instructional assistants who are able to teach small groups during the day. It is my job to establish the schedule, determine what will be taught by whom and gather together all the necessary curriculum and supplies. Essentially I am creating two math lessons, two language arts lessons and providing specific intervention for 17+ students that all have learning disabilities. Basically, I've come to realize that age old reminder that 'you don't know what you have 'till it's gone'.

I wrote this on Wednesday and am just now getting around to checking/posting. I have felt several steps behind and am hoping to get caught up this weekend but it's going to mean sticking to my guns and not letting laziness take over. I need to set up a schedule - I'm thinking I'll read/comment on certain days and post on others; taking a day or two off. I know I'm not the only working mom who is blogging. '

How do you manage to fit it all in?

2009-08-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

Many thanks and a huge shout-out to Tabitha for this Kreativ Blog award. This is no ordinary award - there are rules! Following are the 7 rules, next are the 7 facts some might find interesting about me and last but not at all the least are the links to 7 of the blogs that I follow.

Here are the rules for the award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. (see below)

5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Okay, 7 possibly interesting things about me...

1. Even though I haven't done it in years - I LOVE to sew and craft.

2. I'm the eldest of 5 who are 6, 8, 10 and 14 years younger than me which is why when my daughter reached 8 years of age I decided I would not have any more kids.

3. I played varsity sports, was a cheerlead, on student council, Miss M******* Princess, tried out for Miss Teen Washington, acted in several plays, and I am now a teacher; HOWEVER, I am an introvert.

4. I have been homeless two different times living in my car the first time and a tent the last time.

5. I love frogs but I have a really sad childhood frog story.

6. Two of my favorite authors in high school were Victoria Holt and Leon Uris. There were many more - this just demonstrates my eclectic taste. If it's a book I'll read it! :).

7. I am fascinated by geneology and am slowly working on our families lineage.

Next... 7 Kreative Bloggers... in no particular order.

1. Shark Bait's Reef

2. A Writer Wannabe

3. Building His Body

4. karen...following the whispers

5. That's Not Me Anymore

6. Where Romance Meets Therapy

7. Thinking Out Loud

Enjoy your award and keep on writing!

Peaceful

2009-08-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

Today was the first official day back to school for our district. We had meetings most of the day and one of mine was with the principal. I am starting at a new school this year and hadn't had a chance to talk with RR (the principal). The hard part about this is the simple fact that I HAD TO MOVE!

My first year teaching was 2001 - this is my eighth year of teaching. I taught 2 years at the high school level. While there I moved classrooms in the middle of the year. I then moved to an elementary school where I stayed for two years. While there - I switched rooms. I then switched districts where I have been teaching for the last 3 years. While there - we moved rooms. This brings us to the present and my current move.

On the flip side - I'm excited to be given this opportunity. Another aspect of my teaching career is that I have yet to be 'in charge' of my own program. At the high school I was part of a department and they pretty much dictated what I taught. Since moving to the elementary level I have team taught with another special education teacher. The first two years I was the RSP teacher (learning handicapped students who are pulled from the classroom for less then half their day) and the other person was SDC (students spend 1/2 - all day in another room for academics). At both school we had a learning center model which means that all students are mainstreamed for at least a portion of the day. Some students come to the learning center for 30 for intervention type help while others may be in the learning center for language arts and math.

The school I am at now has only had RSP in the past but ran a learning center model in that the special education teacher also took general education students who were in need of the same instruction she was providing the her students. This year I will be bringing the first SDC students the school has ever had and begin running a complete learning center that will serve general education students through SDC students.

I've spent the week getting my room ready and have found myself stuck on stupid and wondering if I have bitten off more than I can chew. The room was more of a disaster than I had originally thought. There was a lot of stuff left in the room that I had to go through and figure out what was what. I didn't like the room arrangement the teacher before had so I had to move all the cabinets, bookshelves and file cabinets. Then I had to figure out where to put all my stuff.

It doesn't help that I tend to be a bit anal when it comes to organization. Similar curriculum should be group with each other. Sets should be in order, things labeled so you know where it all is and the room needs to feel serene. The atmosphere of a classroom makes a huge differece in how well students attend and learn. I try to create a warm, cozy place where they feel safe to come and be themselves. I'm trying to do that this year by using more muted colors, no bright wild borders and the flow of the room is smooth and open. When I have things done I'll post a photo - if I remember! :)

You may not be a teacher but we've all been to school and had a favorite teacher or class. What was it that made that teacher stick in your mind? Do you remember the decorations on the walls?

Time to sign off - more meetings tomorrow.

Why?

2009-08-11T04:14:00.000-07:00

Why am I awake, yet again, during the wee hours of the morning? I should be curled up under the covers enjoying a few more hours of sleep; instead, I sit hear typing in the dark about nothing in particular. I read several wonderful, thought provoking posts tonight and found new blogs to follow; if I knew how to link to them I would - I'll try figuring it out another time. One of the blogs made me stop and think about my reasons for doing this blog.

I have a blog on MySpace that I started a couple of years ago, I guess. I never did write much and no one seemed to be reading any of it anyway; then Facebook caught my attention. I now spend more time on Facebook and I can't remember when I last looked at my MySpace blog much less posted. So, why did I start this blog? Why does anyone start a blog? It seems to me that the foundational reason is to share what is on your mind with someone.

While lurking around I have seen blogs that are meant for personal healing, growth and/or gain as well as blogs that are meant to uplift, enlighten and/or educate others. That's the short list by the way and not meant to be all inclusive since it seems that the individual reasons could be as many as there are blogs on the net!

Back to the contemplation of my own reason(s). My purpose for the Myspace blog was to share some of the poems, essays and short stories I have written over the years and to begin writing again. This blog on the other hand originally started after reading several accounts of people using blogs to help them lose weight. In the stories that I read the bloggers found the support they needed to make the life changes necessary to lose weight and keep it off. This idea intrigued me since one of my complaints/excuses lately has been 'not having support from my immediate friends and family'. However, it wasn't long into my new blogging journey that I realized my reason is much less complicated.

I have words flying around in my head all the time that need an outlet. And no, they aren't 'voices'! :)

While riding in the car the other day JT and I were quietly listening to the radio; driving several miles without saying a word. It occurred to me that we don't talk much anymore; I mean really talk. You know talk about something more than the weather, the latest NASCAR race or what to have for dinner. I also acknowledged that talking would help to calm the storm that clouds my my mind so much of the time. But isn't that what my counselor is for?.

*light bulb*

That's why I write in my journal! A journal doesn't provide feedback, its unable to praise the successes, raise you up or even gently bring you back down to earth. Again, isn't that what my counselor is for? So, why do the blog? What is it I'm hoping to gain from this experience? Especially since part of my reasoning behind writing here instead of MySpace involves not wanting people I work with and other acquaintances on Facebook and MySpace to have access to my inner thoughts and life history. Not that I am ashamed of either one; I'm just not ready to 'let it all hang out', so to speak.

The reality is I am not only looking for a release but am looking for a path to healing. It's not a search or process I want to go through alone and as much as I love my counselor I am really good at dodging the issues. It's easy to dodge them while in a 45-minute session twice a month; it's a whole different story when sitting at home and the racing thoughts become overwhelming.

Thus, I write.

Even now, at 5:11 am, I struggle with the words to put down because they flit around just out of reach; muffled by those other words dying to come out, to be heard, acknowledged and maybe eventually forgotten or in the past. The muffled words are the ones I really want to hear and I know that once I get past this fog of flying thoughts things will clear up.

Why blog though? Why am I choosing to put these words out there for any and all to read? There's no skirting this one I guess, no matter how I look at it I come back to the same conclusion. I am searching, seeking. In the sharing of my writing I am searching for answers and seeking guidance. The pen (keyboard) allows me to express those things I have a hard time verbalizing out of fear. Why fear? Because to verbalize it makes it real and it means that your going to get a response. Not that I don't want to be responded to - I just want to be able to separate the two with time if needed.

Writing things down, in a sense, makes the reality of the words more real, raw. Especially here where your putting them out there for anyone who wanders by to read and provide a response. Hmmm, sleep will soon overcome me. The fog is turning to the thick mud of grogginess that is difficult to wade through and the thoughts have slowed. In short:

I'm writing to free myself of the pent up thoughts and emotions that have worked together to produce an insecure, overweight and emotionally detached person I no longer recognize. I'm reading other blogs to find or remind me of the answers I am seeking.

Why do you blog/write?

Summer is winding down

2009-08-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

Summer officially ends for me next week as the school year begins. I have already started working in my classroom and getting things ready. Tomorrow will be the big move day as I try to figure out how to set up the room. I used an online tool today that allowed me to create several different set-ups until I settled on a couple. I'm hoping this will prevent my usual arranging process. Look, move, look, move again, look....I think you get the picture. We still haven't heard if our offer has been accepted for purchasing a home and I still can't figure out what is going on with the child support. I'm thankful to finally be getting something but I would like to know and understand how/where the money is being disbursed. Anyway, I haven't accomplished much of the personal improvement things I wanted to get done with the exception of keeping up this blog. I have managed to pick up some followers and thank you guys, I appreciate your comments, prayers and reading your blogs.

I thought I would take a minute tonight to give a little background so that those who choose to follow might understand what is behind some of my rantings. In a previous post titled Transformation I spoke of a particular incident that I beleive marks the point at which I 'changed'. Before sharing this incident I think it only makes sense to provide my background so that as I work to rediscover myself a comparison can be made.

I was born in Delta, CO and am the olderst of 5 children. Three brothers and one sister that are 6, 8, 10 and 14 years younger than I am kept me busy helping my mom when I wasn't involved in school activities. We lived in Pullman, WA until 1978 when Dad got a job managing 320 acres of yet unplanted orchard in the Columbia Basin area. When we moved there the school was only K-8; high school students had to go to one of the nearby (30-40 miles) towns. By the time my class was ready to enter high school our district had grown enough to start a high school. Our class had the distinction of being the first graduating class.

I was involved in outside activities from a young age. Mom had me in Bluebirds ballet, tap, gymnastics and swimming when we lived in Pullman. After moving to the Basin none of those things were available so I did 4-H. I learned leatherworking and horse training. In jr. high and high school I played the flute in band, sang in the choir, and played soccer, basketball and softball. I was a cheer leader one year for boys basketball and did stats for football and wrestling. I was a member of the Honor Society, went to the national level in the National History Day Contest, participated in several community theatre plays and was first princess in the local pageant. I was on the student council and became a Natural Helper (peer counselor). Oh, and did I mention there were 21 of us when we graduated and I think there were maybe 100 students in the whole high school.

On the home front our parents raised us in a strong Christian home. I don't remember very many Sundays we didn't go to church and Sunday School spilled over into the home. Ours is a simple faith really; the Bible is the inspired word of God and gives us a blueprint for which to live our lives. God created this beautiful world and sent His only Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins. "For God so loved the world that gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 I accepted this belief at 10 years of age and tried to the best of my ability to live a good Christian life.

My eyes are drooping and I'm way past my own imposed 'curfew'. Goodnight.

Boobs

2009-08-03T17:10:00.001-07:00

Yes, that's right I said boobs. We all have two; men and women. I bring them up simply because I decided to remind you all to make sure and do your monthly self-exam and if your over 40 then you should be getting an annual mammogram. I went for my first one six months ago. My gyno wanted us to get a baseline prior to hitting the 40 mark. I ended up having to go back for a second examination where it was determined that I had 3 cysts in my right breast. Just to make sure they were nothing to worry about I had to go back for a six-month follow-up appoinmtment. That was today's big event. As it turns out one of the cysts has disappeared and the other two have not changed so all is good and I don't have to go for another year. Whooohoooo!! It really wasn't as bad as I thought it might; not really painful at all.

So, I checked my boobs today - did you?

Dedicated to my loving Grandma Lowell and any other women who have succomed to breast cancer or have overcome it! CHECK THOSE BREASTS - YOU ONLY HAVE TWO!

transformation

2009-08-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

I found The style. Network show Ruby this evening. I have watched one episode and the 2nd is almost over. This show she decides to have her friend Anthony, a fashion designer, recreate her room so that she would have more space. Also in the episode she is encouraged by several people to get rid of her dresses from past weights. In the process she realizes that in losing this weight and becoming a new person she must leave the old person behind. She made a comment about only knowing how to be a fat person, that was all she had ever known.

I want to figure out how to get back to the person I was before; rediscovery rather or is it really discovery. The difficulty is in figuring out when exactly 'before' occurred. When I walk back through the years searching for a particular point on which to focus I stumble across many events that could have been the catalyst. However, while taking this romp through memory lane I also realize that my weight issues have been influenced by my relationship with food only recently.

As a toddler I developed severe allergies that were not discovered right away. I spent many months very sick with ear infections, strep throat, etc. Mom has said that I was so sick for so long I forgot how to walk and had to relearn. Once it was determined I had allergies we began treatment with allergy shots and eliminated the food allergens; milk, dairy products and all nuts except almonds. My mother and I had a couple of food battle that I can remember and I think she has mentioned there were others. The two I can remember happened when living at the farmhouse in Pullman so must have been between the ages of 5 and 8. Sometime in my 4th or 5th year I decided that the only good food was grilled cheese sandwiches. It was all I would eat; breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mom would try to get me to eat other things but I refused; and won! The other time mom made borscht; a soup made of beets, onions, other stuff and sour cream. Don't get me wrong, I love beets! Even then I loved beets, boiled, fresh out of the garden. MMMMMM But borscht smelled bad, looked gross and in my opinion tasted even worse! Rule in our house was you ate what you were given or at least tried it. This particular meal borscht was the only item served so it meant going hungry. Mom knew me well enough to know that going hungry was not a problem and she wanted me to eat the soup. I had to eat the soup or I would just get it for the next meal. My dinner was served the next day for breakfast, lunch and dinner again; it remained untouched. I won again!!!

My dad began teaching me how to bake when I was six with chocolate chip cookies. Cookie dough is the best treat ever! Cooking and baking became something I enjoyed doing; especially baking. I wasn't allowed to bake much though. Mom has always been a health nut and sweets were for birthdays, holidays and once in a while. We often had things like brown sugar, chocolate chips, and Nestle Quick. I would sneak sweets whenever they were around. Mom bought things bulk from a food co-op which meant chocolate chips were in a gallon jar on the shelf with the jar of almonds and raisins. I would choose the almonds and raisins sometimes but more often I would grab a handful of chocolate chips. I couldn't tell you the number of times I can remember sneaking into the kitchen, slipping a spoon out of the drawer, climbing on the counter to reach the top shelf, prying off the top of the Nestle' can and savoring the powdery sweet chocolate as it melted on my tongue. I always managed to do these things without getting caught and I did it until mom quit buying Nestle' Quick.

When would I sneak this food is the next logical question or even why? The times that I can remember doing these things I was either bored, upset, had read an upsetting book or was having pre-menstral cravings. Then, when I was about 12 it was determined that one of my brothers was a hypoglycemic and our diets changed even more. Chocolate chips became carob chips, no more jam or jelly, no more soda, baked goods had to be made with half the sugar and half whole wheat flour. Thankfully I started babysitting about that time and was able to get my fill from others cupboards. Boxed macaroni and cheese, Skippy peanut butter (we always had Adams natural-no sugar), jam/jelly, pudding, jello, cake, pie, store bought pizza. I was in food heaven and I would take every advantage when it could be found. I think some of my regulars figured it out and even made sure there were certain things I liked.

My weight didn't become an issue until after I graduated and left home. The one event that may have brought about the changing point I am seeking occured during that year and will be addressed in a separate post. I have to get up in a few hours to get my boobs squished so need to get some z's. Goodnight.

Lord please help me discover those events, thought patterns or habits that need to be addressed for me to move forward. Guide me as I peel away the many layers I have used as a shield.

PAIN!!!

2009-08-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

The pain is here! The stabbing shock waves make my insides feel as though they are twisting in knots while other stabs feel like I knife piercing through my body. Concentrating is hard because the waves of pain grab my attention, pull me in and take my breath away. I could tell yesterday that the cycle was beginning. True to form I have pain today and am constipated to boot. I decided since it was a new month I should actually take out my calender and check for any appointments. I knew I had one this month but wasn't sure then it was. Soooo, tomorrow is my 6 monthe follow-up mammogram. My first one showed 3 small cysts that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on. Hmmm, I'm having a hard time concentrating; have to take more pain meds. Goodnight.

Incomplete musings...

2009-07-29T00:25:00.000-07:00

My anger or lack there of...

Counselor comment today "wrong profession"; in reference to not feeling the ability to be completely open about beliefs, lifestyle, life choices, etc.

Maybe I need to learn how to be a better friend...

I always thought if I understood myself better it would help...

Food is my heroin...

Exercise becomes my cocain...

Finding balance is the key. Maybe I should try a 12-step program...

Puppy = joy, unconditional love, laughter

How do I find my way back to a church?

My new talent 'escape' artist...took 3/4 of my session today to actually get around to anything beyond a recap of life events since our last apt...

Asking for help = imposing upon another...If they wanted to help they would offer...

Am I just looking for excuses?

Action Plan

2009-07-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday and the end of the month is just around the corner, which means school will be starting soon. July is THE summer month and it's almost just a memory. I haven't accomplished much of what I wanted to get done but have accomplished things I hadn't even considered doing. My last major post consisted of a complete life/medical history to date. I did see the NP yesterday and have started the ball rolling so to speak. She agreed to send me for alergy testing. I'll get that done on Friday - I have to be without any allergy medicine for 7 days before being tested. This will help guide my 'diet' choices in the future. I essentially want to make sure that I am aware of any food allergies that might contribute to the overall health issue.

There are just a few basic things that need to be changed in order to have a better overall outcome. I need to improve my sleep, stress levels, exercise and eating habits. I've had a basic plan of attack in my head but have not confirmed it any way so lets see what it looks like on paper shall we?

SLEEP - getting to sleep is difficult and I rarely get any more that 6 hours a night. I function much better on 8+ and always have. I no longer have any excuses except my own stubbornness. There are several things that tend to keep me up late - putting things off to the last minute, browsing/playing on computer, watching a show, not feeling tired. As much as JT may hate it - I need to be on a schedule that provides me with more sleep. In part it involves managing my time better overall. There are certain things I want to do on a daily basis and in order to accomplish this feat I need to set time limits.

STRESS LEVELS - exercise & sleep will help. Try yoga and/or Tai Chi. Journal work stuff & create action plans. Save money for massages.

EXERCISE - Krys and I are going to work out after school each day at gym. Saving money for bike to ride with JT. Walk dog. Belly dancing.

Eating habits is its own issue to be addressed at another time. Other things I want to accomplish regularly if not daily are: reading, beading, sewing, gardening, writing, photography and blogging. These are all things I really enjoy doing but don't because I am plopped on the couch zoned out and feeling too tired to even think about doing anything.

Med outline for doc apt.

2009-07-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm breaking my own computer curfew but really wanted to get some things down. I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow, had to make the apt. to get my welbutrin refilled. Dr. Le didn't have an opening so I am seeing the NP. Krys saw the NP when we were trying to figure out what was going on with her this spring. She seemed nice and more thorough than Dr. Le. One reason I started this blog was to keep a better chronicle of my journey to better health. I've done this in written form but need to make an annotated outline for easier delivery. This outline will include both medically relevant events as well as major events that would have contributed to my depression.

Prior to 3 years of age I became very sick; repeated ear infections and strep throat. Was discovered I had alergies: milk & its products, all nuts (almonds ok), dust, mold/mildew and pollens. Received allergy shots until age 8. Allergy symptoms were sore throat, hay fever and swolen glands.

1976 - fell out of barn (compressed vertebrae, strained ankle)
- concussion (overnight stay in hosp)
- 1st surgery for mole removal

1977 - 2nd surgery for mole removal (had difficulty waking me up due to anesthesia)

1981 - (11 yrs) 1st menses Had bad cramps before any bleeding, heavy & 7
days

Menstrual cycle was regular, always 7-10 days (5 days of heavy), often took ibuprofen as well as heating pad to help pain. By 17 taking 1400 mg ib at a time - every 4 to 6 hours to control pain.

1988 - date raped

1989 - lft home, started using drugs (marijuana & coke; coke mostly)
- od on ibuprofen & marijuana; Joe had to keep shaking me to take breaths
- start trying other birth control - give up
Never received counseling/help for rape or drug use

1993 - emergency c-section (incomplete dilation after 24 hours and she was turned wrong) woke up during procedure, fought restraints, remember feeling panicked,lost a lot of blood, gave me one day to show recovery or would do
transfusion. stayed in hospital 5 days.
- Joe left

1994/5 - started school; divorced

1996 - had to leave home w/Krys to own place

1997 - We moved to Spokane
- started school
- car accident
- miscarriage (had to have DNC) blited ovum

1998 - Emotional & physical health began spiralling
- IBS?
- treated for depression w/ Zoloft
- received counseling
- started birth control again
- had sigmoidoscopy; couldn't get past first turn - to much pain
- 'sciatica' pain begins

1999 - GRADUATED!!!!!! Had to put something positive

2000 - went to CO (acupuncture helped)
- started on Welbutrin (helped)

2001 - Respite care after near break-down; thoughts of suicide
- 3 summer months camping, day labor & drinking/drugs
- move to CA to start over
- increase Welbutrin dosage
- start using sleeping meds

2002 - Put on Levoxyl for hypothyroidism

2003 - 4 fibroid removed through c-section cut; possibly 2 left but too small & couldn't risk more incisions

2004 - symptoms return; 3 more fibroid have made themselves at home

2005 - hysterectomy; uterus & 1 ovary. Left ovary and cervix. Endometriosis found on samples sent to lab
- started having spotting 3 months after surgery
- pain began soon after

2007 - Yeast cleanse; treatments from mom-in-law
- following Swarzbein eating/vitamin plan
- SouthBeach protein bars (have soy)
- start losing weight all over; hungry all the time
- Bowl movements slowly increase in number; flucuate between constipation &
diareah; eventually going as much as 10 times a day
- Mood becomes irratic, anxiety attacks, hair falling out
- try adjusting thyroid; didn't work went back to original dosage
- Colonoscopy; failed, could not get past 2nd turn; something seen - unknown
- barium enama; unable to relocate unknown object seen in colonoscopy
- CONCLUSION - endometriosis
- Pet/CT; cancer ruled out
- See psychiatrist and put on Cymbalta and Abilify for Bipolar2 disorder

2008 - Stop Abilify; causing muscle tremors
- By winter blood in stool is monthly occurance
- Paul passed away; moved

Possible tests to have done:
- allergy
- hormone
- thyroid (T4 & T3)
-Markers for gluten, dairy, egg and soy reactions, GI immune system function, marker for digestion capacity, marker for active inflammation of your intestines and cultures and other testing for bacteria, yeast, fungus and parasites.

Thoughts, events and emotions from the week...

2009-07-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

While in the moment life seems to move at a snails pace and then while looking back you suddenly realize that those snails have been moving at warp speed. It's been a week since visiting San Francisco and the new, improved Academy of Sciences. It was very crowded and was sometimes difficult to see displays but it was enjoyable. What I did see was impressive and I look forward to going back during the week in the fall/winter months. The aquarium still has a lot of growing to do but is beautiful.

The rest of the week was spent looking at houses, taking care of errands and other mundane life tasks. The one exciting event for the week is that we made it through the first acceptance steps in buying the 'house of our dreams'. It is a short-sale and the owners have accepted our offer. Now their bank must accept our offer and then we get to start all the inspections and move forward with the purchase. This is the first time one of our offers has been accepted so we are excited.

During the week I have had many times where thoughts have filled my head of despair and loneliness but it is always after I have just gotten off the computer on the insistence of JT. Well, not really insistence, he just makes the comment that I have been on the computer all day - which I had. I've been spending a lot of time just looking at other blogs, trying to find some that interest me and also find some that might follow the same topics that concern me. If I'm honest with myself it's escaping really. It's so much easier to immerse myself in the lives, thoughts and images I encounter as I browse than to look within and explore the same. It's so difficult to open that door. I never really, cognitively accepted how well I am able to compartmentalize. It's a matter of safety really. Think of a pressure cooker for example. We had one growing up and I can remember asking my mom what would happen if the the steam release cap came off. At the time she was cooking beans for chili so she explained that the built up pressure would force the beans through the release valve, spewing them all over the kitchen like a volcano erupting lava. I chose to resist my urge to 'accidentally' knock off the cap at that point and went on about my business. The door behind which I stuff everything has this kind of pressure built up. Shoving it all in is easy - you don't have to open the door for that. It works more like osmosis I think, the outer membrane only allows one-way movement. The door is only used for release and to open it would release all the pressure resulting in an emotional eruption of cataclysmic proportions. Or so I tell myself anyway.

I found a blog yesterday that I decided to follow and today she had posted a scanned image of her diary from years past. One of the comments that followed mentioned that the they (the commenter) had similar thoughts but had never managed to keep a diary over the years. I must say I am the same. Once or twice I can remember starting a diary but it never lasted more than a week or so and I have no idea what happened to those diaries. The first time I really put any effort into a journal was when my ex left. Even then I kept more of a prayer journal than a record of my thoughts and feelings. I have never thought that anyone would be all that interested in reading anything I might have to write and putting it on paper also makes a person vulnerable. When it goes on paper it becomes real, you are acknowledging the existence of that thought or feeling. What if others find it, read it, what will they think? But really, who cares anyway? My own mother doesn't care about my feelings why should anyone else? Hmmm.

Where did that come from? She's my mother so of course she would care about my feelings! Growing up crying was not an acceptable form of expression unless it was justified. This was made clear by the frequently threatened statement: "if you don't have something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about!" Not a veiled threat either, as some might think. My parents didn't believe in empty threats; spare the rod and spoil the child was accepted discipline. Not that we were abused by any means - please don't read that into my recollections. My point in all this is simply that you hear a phrase like that enough times you quit reacting, quit showing emotion unless it's justifiable. You only cry in the privacy of your room, in the solitude of an apple orchard, or into the fur of a loving animal. When your older, as a teen, you find a friend or two who are sympathetic and bend their ear a time or two. What is justifiable? When is it ok to cry you might ask? A physical injury (to some degree, drama is frowned upon also) is allowable. Crying after punishment is expected but don't over do it. Your feelings got hurt? Buck up - it happens to everyone you'll be fine. It didn't help that I was an emotional child (still am really) and cried at the drop of a hat. Since I never could manage to control the tears I just quit trying to express the reasons for my tears and I think somewhere along the way I just quit even acknowledging the feelings at all.

My weight is one of the issues that this blog is supposed to help me control. All these emotions that are bottled up and undefined have started to wreck havoc on my body and I am in need of help. My mother-in-law told me once that I needed to learn how to ask for help. I know how to ask for help - I never forgot that. No, instead I learned a new lesson, people are to busy with their own lives to care about mine. "You need to reach out, Comfort. Let people know what you need. They can't help if they don't know you need it. Tell them what they can do and they will help."

Whatever!! is the nice way I use to say BULLSHIT!!!!!

I asked her for help. She offered one of her treatments for trade, I do work for her and she gives me a treatment - that way I don't have to pay for it. She can't even remember half the time that I don't have a uterus anymore. I guess I'm probably the only one that remembers that fact all the time but if she's going to give me treatments then she should treat me like other clients and at least remember my medical history! What about your other friends you might ask. What friends? I have a lot of friends but not the kind that are able to provide support I guess. It's been this way all my life it seems. There have been periods here and there where I thought I had found that friend(s) that would be there through thick and thin and it just hasn't seemed to happen. There is not a single person that called me when my father-in-law passed away. No calls to see how I was holding up, no offers to help us move into his house so we could take care of him before he passed. I have gone to specific people and expressed my need for support, my need for a friend, given out my number in hopes that they might give me a call sometime. This is so pathetic, I sound like a depressed teenager and I'm 39 fuckin years old. 6 months and I'll be 40; a bit old to be crying for friends you'd think huh?! I have my counselor and JT but he doesn't always get it. Most of the time he doesn't get it.

This is when it gets really hard, the emotions are getting strong and I just want to bawl. At the same time I want the thoughts to stop so my fist instinct is to move to something else. That work, the bird distracted me. (s)he tried to eat JT's bugers indicating hunger so I had to pause and deliver the bird the it's cage. Just enough time to distract and get that door to slam shut again. I do need to get food for the puppy though and am going to take a break for a bit. I have to post again tonight!

One of many Personality profiles

2009-07-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Name: Carmen Bennett
Date: 7/15/2009 1:25:58 AM
Age: 39

Your health assessment
Your symptoms rank in the moderate category.
The demands you place on your body are almost overwhelming.
By comparison, the support that you give yourself is moderate.
What your assessment means
Moderate symptoms mean you are in the throes of hormonal imbalance. Hormonal imbalance can affect women of any age, although it is most common in women over 35 as they enter perimenopause or transition through menopause. Depending on the woman, this can mean months or several years of symptoms. Moderate symptoms in younger women are usually predictive of a more difficult perimenopause further down the road. It’s important to listen to your body now and respond with the support it needs.

Women with moderate symptoms who do nothing to restore their hormonal balance usually progress to more frequent and severe symptoms. You can take back your health and restore your hormonal balance naturally and without drugs, alleviating your symptoms. (To learn how, see your personalized recommendations below).

Very severe demands mean that your body is experiencing a much greater burden than most women, and this burden is overwhelming your ability to balance your hormones. Some of these demands are not within your control but it’s important to minimize those that are, and you may want to talk to one of our Nurse Educators about how to do so. In the meantime, it’s essential that you give your body extra support to counter this burden. Remember, the greater the demands on you, the greater your need for support!

Moderately good support means that you are giving yourself some support, but not the level of support you need for healthy hormonal balance. The good news is there are simple, natural things you can do to provide the extra support you need. Many women are surprised to learn that taking medical-grade nutritional supplements coupled with incremental changes in diet, stress management and fitness habits can go a long way in providing the support you are missing.

How we determine your score
Based on the answers you gave us, we use a series of algorithms to place you in categories based on symptoms, demands, and supports. The algorithms were created after reviewing, comparing, and grouping thousands of health screeners at our clinic with the outcomes our patients actually experienced. By using this information, we are able to make an individual program recommendation to you that follows the same guidelines that work so well for women at the clinic.

Our assessment of your profile
Most likely you’ve been feeling “not yourself” for awhile. The good news is you can turn it around, naturally and without drugs. We recommend you do a few simple things to balance your hormones and keep them in balance. To start, you should be taking a medical-grade multivitamin designed for women every day, as well as additional calcium/magnesium and essential fatty acid supplement. You may also benefit from phytotherapy, the therapeutic use of plants and herbs, to naturally coax your body into hormonal balance.

We also recommend some basic dietary changes such as minimizing simple carbohydrates, sugar and processed foods, and increasing your consumption of vegetables, fruit, and healthy sources of fats and protein. In addition, try to find an exercise program you enjoy and consider learning some basic stress reduction techniques. The women that we see in the clinic see steady improvements in the way that they feel when they follow these suggestions. These simple steps can make a world of difference in improving your physical and emotional well-being now - and keep you from having more serious problems in the future.

If these changes seem like a lot, remember that we’re here to help! It’s okay if you don’t make every change at once. Try to focus on a few that seem most accessible to you, and as you start to feel a difference you will have the motivation to continue making improvements. We’re confident that with a little guidance and determination you can feel better than you thought possible.

Your recommended next steps
Enjoy the benefits of the Personal Program for 60 days, risk-free.
Women with symptoms just like yours have found tremendous benefits from the extra support our Personal Program offers, including nutritional support that promotes hormonal balance.

Learn more about your symptoms and solutions.
Our website is filled with a wealth of information based on over 25 years of medical practice and research. Check out the underlying causes of your specific symptoms now, or explore our list of women's health articles.

Talk with our Advisors toll-free at 1-800-448-4919.
Want to speak to a caring woman who understands your concerns and can answer the questions running through your mind? Our Advisors are available to listen and to help, Mon. – Fri., 8:30 am to 7:30 pm ET. Please give us a call.

We're here for you.
Every woman is unique. That's why we help you personalize your Program to your needs. And every woman deserves answers that work for her. That's why we are available by phone or e-mail whenever you have a question or problem. That's how we're changing women's health – one woman at a time.

Yours in health,

https://www.womentowomen.com/assessments/hormonalhealth/freeprofile.aspx
Women to Women is America's leading medical clinic specializing in health care for women, by women. Founded over 25 years ago, we pioneered the natural approach to hormonal balance, and have helped thousands of women restore their health without drugs or side effects.

Dealing with death

2009-07-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

Our story began on a sultry mid-August evening in 2001. JT and I had arrived in Sacramento several days before and I had already checked in with my new job, the reason we had left the fresh, salty air of Seattle behind for at least 4 years. I would be teaching high school special education English classes and school started in two days. We were broke, had already used the hotel vouchers we qualified for and I really didn't want to try getting ready for work in a tent. The last two months working day labor and living in a tent was enough!

I had completed all my errands for the day and we were hungry so JT drove us to a Taco Bell. While there we talked again about how he had not spoken to his parents, who lived in Sacramento, for a long time and how he had sworn to never speak to them again. We also discussed our current dilemma. We had learned that day that I would not receive my first paycheck until the end of September. We had already visited the welfare office for temporary assistance and knew that I would be getting a welfare check the first of September and we had already been given food stamps but we had no place to lay our head.

Suddenly JT's eyes welled up with tears and he quietly stated "My dad's place is right around the corner here. That's why I came out this way...I figure I need to swallow my pride and do what is right to take care of you. You need a place to sleep, shower and relax so you can do your job and a camp ground is not going to cut it. Come on, before I change my mind!"

Within 5 minutes we were pulling up in front of one of many duplexes on a quiet residential street in Citrus Heights, a suburb of Sacramento. The place we stopped in front of had two doors; the one on the left had a screen door and the door was open. I could see someone sitting on what looked to be a recliner, apparently watching television. JT nodded toward the open door, "That's Gerome sitting there, let me go in first and make sure he's decent, sometimes he sits there in his underwear! Plus, he added with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders,
I don't know how he'll react, he may just tell me to get out."

I watched with curiosity as JT walked toward the door. The idea that a father would not be overjoyed to see his son was so foreign to me that I was not worried we would be turned away. The man in the chair didn't get up but JT motioned for me to join him. I walked into a sparsely furnished living room that had all the signs of a bachelor's home. A small fan worked to circulate the air, providing some relief from the heat.

"Gerome, this is Freckles, my girlfriend. Freckles, this is Gerome."

"Nice to meet you", Gerome said smiling with an outstretched hand. His hand, hardened by years of hard labor, squeezed mine as I looked into eyes that sparkled with a sincerity that instantly grabbed my heart. I smiled back glancing down at hands that were more like paws; thick and wide with short fingers, like my dads. His ruddy round face was topped with salt & pepper hair cut military short leaving a person guessing at his actual age.

"It's nice to finally meet you too! I've heard so much about you from JT." Paul was somewhat at a disadvantage in the situation and he gave a quick glance to JT that spoke volumes. Smiling, I patted his shoulder reassuringly and stated, "it was all good!".

We stayed in Gerome's house that night and unloaded the Bronco of all camping gear and personal goods the next morning. Paul had decided we could stay as long as we provided food and paid him $200.00 when I got paid to cover increased costs. There were only a few rules: no eating in the living room, no smoking in the house and we had to help clean on Sundays. I started work the next week and things went well for the next several weeks. Paul and JT were getting along fine, JT had finally spoken to his mother on the phone and I was settling into my job.

One morning while preparing to pull out of the driveway I heard a news report on the radio - a plane had just flown into one of the Twin Towers. I slammed the car into park and ran in the house yelling, "turn on the news, quick!" Gerome switched channels just as the other plane hit the second tower. We sat, shocked, listening to and watching the event that changed our world.

That night I heard for the first time, many of Paul's political views, theories and beliefs. It was to be the first of many conversations that we had concerning the state of our world and politics. Not long after this though JT and Paul got into an argument. right after that we moved to a motel and it was quite a while before we saw Gerome again.

By December JT and I had found an apartment we could afford and would hole us and Kry. It was a one bedroom with good storage and we were on the list to get a two bedroom. Our plan was to go up to Washington at Christmas to get Kry and bring the rest of our stuff down. Paul had a truck and we considered asking him to use it but the relationship was not good enough yet in JT's opinion.

As the years progressed I slowly got to know and love Gerome. JT, Kry and I would often show up at his house on random days just to visit and he always welcomed us. By 2004 Gerome and I had developed a strong relationship and were able to talk freely about our pasts, JT's past and the past of their family as a unit. Gerome also shared one of his dreams; to bring his family back together before he died; he wanted JT and brother, Rudy, to get along and for both of them to love and respect their mother. He also wanted all four of them to be clean and sober; living life with joy. Gerome and I became allies in our efforts to heal this family unit that had been ravaged by the ugliness of alcohol and drugs. Soon we were having family gatherings and it seemed as though Gerome's desire for his family was beginning to materialize.

Late 2006 brought news that no one was expecting - Gerome had esophageal cancer. It was possible that it could be removed surgically but doctors had to do more tests first and determine the best plan of attack. That was the good news - bad news: he possibly had only six months to live. Gerome took the news in stride and determined to do what he could to fight but life had been good and he was ready to go. Ultimately he was given two choices: surgery (which the oncologist did not recommend due to Gerome's age and other health concerns) or chemo and radiation with possible surgery later.

The next year and a half was spent undergoing chemotherapy and radiation; the family and I watched as Gerome went from 260 pounds to 180 pounds in a few short months. He lost all his hair at one point and when it came back it was a beautiful wavy white that that was soft to the touch. By 2008 Gerome needed someone to drive him places, do his shopping and clean his house. The family shared responsibilities; Karen and I shared cooking responsibilities, Rudy and his wife Kira took care of the house and JT drove Gerome around.

Late spring, 2008, the doctors said that there was nothing more to do. Gerome had two choices left surgery or he could try more chemotherapy but there was no guarantee the tumor would shrink any more or that it would lengthen his life. The surgery would have involved opening his chest cavity and his recovery time would possibly be very long with no guarantees he would live past his recovery time. Gerome was still against the surgery but was willing to entertain the idea for our benefit and decided we should go to dinner and discuss the options as a family.

By this time we had all seen the movie "Bucket List" in which two men are given only days/weeks to live and they make a list of things to accomplish before they die. They then proceed to accomplish the tasks on the list. Gerome had created such a list and wanted to be able to do those things. The family shared that we wanted him to stay around as long as possible so he could accomplish those things and we would have more time with him. The surgery, in one respect, provided the most hope for anything more than 6 months to a year of life; however, we also didn't want to possibly see him spend a lot of that time lying in a hospital bed unable to go anywhere or enjoy life. What was the use of his list then? It was decided there would be no more surgery or treatment of any kind. The plan now was to do whatever necessary to keep him pain free and thriving with no resuscitation when it came to that point.

Summer brought lots of plans and things to do. JT and I were taking Kry up to Washington for her annual visit to my parents and planning on staying for a month ourselves. My parents were needing help getting some things done around their place and Kira and Rudy were in California to help take care of Gerome.

We had been in Washington for only a week when JT and I decided it was necessary to head back to California. Gerome had been admitted to the hospital on Friday July 4 and was not doing well. Rudy had taken him in to the ER because he had not been able to keep any food down and was becoming dehydrated. They decided to admit him to the hospital and schedule an x-ray or ct-scan to see if there was a problem with the stint in his esophagus. By Saturday they had determined that the stint had moved and needed to be replaced. The procedure was scheduled for Monday morning and Karen was concerned that Gerome would not make it through the procedure.

Paul couldn't go before we got there! I still had things I wanted to say to him, wanted to thank him again for, I just wanted more time. We left Sunday morning and drove straight through going directly to the hospital. Karen was there with Paul, not will to leave his side. Once we felt assured that he really was ok and we would see him in the morning we went home to get a few hours of sleep.

Break time - I'll finish later.

Update on weight

2009-07-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself this morning and am down 2.5 pounds and am at 217.5. I am planning on going to the gym around 4:00. That is about when Kry and I will be getting there each day so I might as well get used to the crowd that is there during that time. The mornings around 10-12 are pretty slow but some of the classes I want to try are offered then. I'm hoping I can get someone to try a couple of the classes with me but if not I'll just be brave! Jeez you wouldn't believe I was 39 years old would you?! Some personality traits are just hard to overcome and I really am a shy person - until I feel comfortable.

Didn't follow any kind of a diet last week - I'm sure you figured that out if you've been following my posts. I am going to try and do better this week. Made a good meal for JT and I earlier and have a meal planned for dinner. Managed to get him to bed last night but his back is hurting bad today. I hope it's not the bed - we may need to invest in a sleep number bed or something. He's said before that the bed is too soft for him but it seems to me the couch would be worse. Although...it is difficult to sleep on your stomach on the couch, in fact he never does. He is always on his back or side; when sleeping in bed he often times ends up on his stomach. Sleeping on your stomach and lower back problems do not mix well. I used to sleep on my stomach a lot too but it was bad for my neck and have managed to train myself not to. Will have to mention that to JT. Going to spend some time writing and then back to sorting stuff to toss or put in a yard sale.

Sunday - just another funday

2009-07-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have successfully failed this week. Did you know that one could be successful at failure? I have proven the point. I started this blog with the idea that it would help in my efforts to lose weight and get healthy. A quick recap of the week shows that weight loss was not a focus - far from it in fact. I spent the week not doing much of anything really. An appointment here and there, shopping, cleaning house and the other usual 'stuff'. I did manage to at least live through the week I guess rather than just existing.

I miss my baby, I miss hearing her voice. She called this morning 'cause she got sick. She was throwing up and worried that she might get mono again. Once I assured her that I didn't think the mono would be back she seemed to get better. I don't blame her for being scared - I wouldn't want to get sick like she was again either. They are on their way to a camping trip now so I'm sure she will be fine.

Writing just isn't working right now - think I'll take a shower and get some groceries.

Mind over matter

2009-07-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

A week has passed and I have not started what I set out to do this summer. I guess that's not exactly true - I have started this blog and even though I haven't actually written online each day I have at least taken notes. We only have 2 computers right now - 1 desktop and 1 laptop. The desktop is very slow and the Internet connection very slow and unreliable. Haven't managed to figure out what is wrong yet. The laptop is often being used by JT and when it's not he gives me a bad time for being "on the computer all the time." Not that I have let that stop me so far! :) I do tend to get stuck on here for quite a while. I need to get better at only doing what I set out to do. I don't need to check my email every time I open the Internet and I don't have to read all the little 'news' stories. It is NOT necessary to check my facebook account all the time either. My family seldom uses it and I don't get much action from any of my 'friends'. There is no sense in lurking around if I don't have something to say.

I did try talking to JT about what I would like to accomplish this summer but he is not liking the idea of a schedule. I knew he wouldn't be keen on the idea but I still have hopes that he'll warm up to the idea once he realizes how much better he feels.

We have to put in some major work on the garage the next few days so we can get as much of the garbage out and to the curb. There is another pile pick-up this week and there won't be another one for two months.

I have really been struggling with my depression lately. Couple of people have mentioned 'snapping out of it' or some other general reference to being able to get out of the funk they are in and I wish I could do the same. My sleep cycle is all messed up and I haven't been eating but one meal a day. I have been getting at least 7 hours of sleep when I sleep; it just tends to be from 2 to 9 A.M. It's my own fault too; JT usually falls asleep on the couch anywhere between 9 and 11 P.M. giving me ample opportunity to go to bed. However, this is also the time when I get to watch the shows I want or spend time on the computer.

My plan was to just go with my own schedule and let him do his own thing but when it's only the two of us it is hard to motivate myself. It's easier to just adjust my style to his but I feel so icky. No wonder he never feels like doing anything. I feel like a slug waiting for the rainstorm to stop so I can slither out of my safe place. The problem appears to be a self-created rainstorm and the dark cloud enveloping my head seems impenetrable.

One sourse of the pain lies in the memories of Paul's death. Something to explore at another time - I don't feel like crying right now. JT still spends his days and nights on the couch even though his excuse before related to my needing to get up for work. It has now been two years since we have slept in the same bed for more than a night every few months. HMMM :) Now those are good memories. Paul gave me the best gift ever when he decided to take JT and I to Maui. I wish I could find that peace and relaxation now. My body image is another issue that I planned on addressing this summer. I have been given the opportunity to work out in a club and can take any of the classes offered at any of the locations. Instead of working out I have sat, sulked and eaten away another week. I need someone like Beth. When we lived in the same town we would leave our houses at the same time, meet in the middle for some morning prayer and then we each ran/walked back home. I was hoping this blog would help hold me accountable but I don't have a following of people to keep me on track. A few years ago I completed one of the many personality tests online. One of them tells you famous people that had/have similar personalities and the percentage of people with this same personality. I am part of the smallest group - a whopping 3 percent (I think) of the population has a similar personality. Mother Theresa and Ghandi were the two famous people who had similar personalities as mine. I wonder if they felt as lonely as I do? Like no one really understands? I have often wondered what it would be like spending all your time serving. While in college we read of a many people who locked themselves away from the world for prayer and meditation.

Darn Jimmy didn't win the race but The Kid did and Jimmy was 8th so all is good. Good race!

Need to eat some food and want to post to the other blog - just to prove I'm not all gloom and doom!

Chou

Random thoughts from today...

2009-07-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

Today (7-7-09) has been a rough day in my head- this is why it is so great to have the distraction of work. Without that distraction I have to much time to think about my journey. It doesn't help that it is my normal time to be having a menstrual cycle and I was blessed with pain all day. I am sure that the endometriosis has invaded my bowel. I have shown signs consistently now for at least 6 months. Thanks to the hormone changes I tend to me more emotional during this time and when the pain is bad I take Vicadin. I think the V only works against me on the emotional side of things - great for the pain though. So lets see; the places my head traveled...

I spent some time wallowing in self-pity. I started this blog in the hopes that I would find the support from virtual friends I can't seem to find in actual friends. I thought that my topics and writing would catch the eye of people with similar struggles. These people would then be able to give advice, provide support etc. My blog hasn't been up that long really and I still don't have anyone following me. I did invite some people personally to come check it out and a couple let me know that they had and what they thought. Since I correspond with these people on other social networks I asked that they not make references that would easily id me since some of what I write is personal and on a level that I don't want to share with everyone I know personally. I like having some control over who I know knows what I am writing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone or not but it does to me. Anyway...

Friendship was one of the other and related topics contemplated today. It is during breaks like this that I am reminded of just how friendless I really am. Although this school year was pretty lonely too, especially towards the end. Why do I feel this way? I never 'meet for coffee'. 'Get together for a BBQ'. At least this 4Th we decided to stay home and we brought a friend to our house. It was a very pleasant day that was enjoyed by all. I sit in my writing group and listen as the other women talk about talking to each other between meetings. Is it me? Do I isolate myself in some way? Not longer ago my 16 year old was in tears for the same reason and I didn't know what to tell her, to comfort her. I was able to identify with her pain, that lonely feeling that even if you reach out there is no one really willing to be there for you. As her mother I'm always there but sometimes she wants a friend her own age.

Have to stop for now will post later...

Co-dependency

2009-07-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended an evening workshop with a good friend and her husband. The point of the workshop was to take a closer look at myself (this is Carmen's abridged version of the meeting in an attempt to not ramble...). Our first task started with half of the group forming a circle with everyone facing outward. They then shuffled around and made eye contact with each person seated in the outer circle. Mind you, I have prior knowledge of how the meetings are run due to my conversations with the invitee. I had already figured out we were going to paired up with one of these people - I just didn't know if I was going to be the chooser or choosee. I had the privilege of being the first chooser. I was ready though, I had thought this through in the moments it took for the circle to form. Prior knowledge that is incorporated in this event consists of the knowledge that I have a "co-dependent personality" and my first marriage was very co-dependent. In my learning of this character challenge I read that if you put 2 co-dependents in a room with 100 'normal' people; the co-dependents will have found themselves at least by the end of the gathering.

This in mind I didn't want to find someone like me and I get the whole eye contact thing. You can learn a lot about a person by their eyes and face; at least I can anyway. Soooo... I decided that I would be purposeful in my eye contact and look for something similar. The strong, loving and embracing eyes of my grandma Lowell came to mind and as my eyes moved from face to face the brim of her black hat with wisps of hair poking out, the delicate chain at her throat, the reading glasses and warm embracing smile screamed "pick me!" so I of course obliged.

We then proceeded to be lead through several exercises in which we were asked to reflect on why we chose the person, what we value most in people, how we describe freedom, switched partners had a small group session and that's what I can remember at the moment. Again, that's the abridged version. My friend asked me last night how I felt, what I had learned, etc but I am a slow processor sometimes - I have to mull it (no, not the haircut!) over for a while.

While doing the dishes I mull quite well and it occurred to me that co-dependency to some degree grows out of the need to be with someone who is the opposite of you. Let me back up a moment...My struggle with this whole co-dependency issue stems from the understanding that I the spiritual gifts of compassion and service. When I step back it seems to me that the case could be made that all of my relationships (no matter the type or gender) have been co-dependent. I want everyone to be happy, peaceful and taken care of; to the extent that I don't take care of myself. I want the freedom to say "No" or "yes" without feeling guilty or scared that my decision may cause the other people involve some sort of stress. And yet I know that I can not be responsible for how a person reacts to my every action. But wait! I'm responsible if I dressed the wrong way and 'turned him on'. So I AM responsible for his/her thoughts/feelings/reactions. Does anyone else see the double message here?

Now what if I make the claim that I was not attracted to the man I am with because of my co-dependency but because of my deep admiration and desire to have a certain personality trait. In reviewing my past I at first thought I had always been attracted to the 'bad boy' (Grease revisited) :) That is not true however; in fact, I would argue that when in relationships where it has been based on attraction I have actually been attracted to their ability to be free in a way that I find excruciatingly painful; emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel caught in this trap between two ideals 'be true to self' and 'serve/love others'.

I'm tired and my brain is turning to mush, the words are blurring and I it's time to say g'night all and if you're reading please drop me a line and let me know you stopped by.

Feeling comforted...

Making some connections...

2009-06-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

I hinted last time that I thought I might have made a couple of connections in regards to my medical situation. First maybe it would be best if I clarified what my situation is in total. Obviously my weight is an issue and losing weight will only help all of the other medical concerns that have developed over the years. I never had a weight problem as a kid but as a girl I had terrible menstral cycles. The very first one was painful -even before I began to bleed I was having cramps. I was 11 and they didn't get better. I was always regular, ran 7-10 days (5 of which were heavy) and pms was standard. By the time I was 18 I was taking 1400 mg of Ibuprofen every 4 hours until a doctor gave me Flurbiprofin which worked much better. I had what was possibly a miscarriage at 19; but due to drug use use at the time there was never a definitive answer. I had my one child at 23 (1993) via emergency c-section. I did not dilate past 6 and she was stuck. After having her my marriage ended and I became a single mother. By 1997 I was living on my own and had experienced several physical and emotional 'traumas' within a short period of time. Quick recap: moved away from family, started full-time college, started par-time job, car accident requiring surgery to repair broken hand, confirmed pregnancy before surgery, miscarried(had to have DNC) and ex appeared out of no where. I found myself very depressed, to point of not being able to get myself out of bed on the weekends. I managed to function enough to get to class and essentials taken care of and that was all. I was also having bad periods along with typical Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Put me on birth control to help with the periods - which it did for a while but depression got worse. I felt like I was in this swirling cycle that kept spinning me round and round and I couldn't get off or get well. Things were spiraling out of control. Counselors wanted me on anti-depressant but I resisted for a long time. After almost losing it and taking it out on K I decided I had better take their advice before something serious happened. Tried a couple finally settling on Welbutrin and things seemed to get better for a while. But weight was still an issue.

The next major events occur ed after moving to California. Within a few months of being here I found a gyno that was a woman in a women's clinic. She was wonderful and she is still my doctor today. I shared my problems and she began the process of trying to figure out what was wrong. Ruled out Polycystic whatever it is and eventually found that I had 3 fibroid tumors. Had my first fibroidectomy in spring of 2003. They ended up removing 5 tumors and leaving what was possibly two more. Within one year my symptoms were back and there were 3 more visible tumors. I had been on birth control which is supposed to slow the growth but didn't seem to work in my case. At this point I am faced with a couple of choices: leave them and deal, have a hysterectomy. Because I already had so much scar tissue we needed to keep the surgery number down. Since JT and I had decided we weren't going to have any children I opted for the hysterectomy, leaving at least one ovary ( she already new that one probably needed to go). To shorten the story some: I started bleeding again (I still have my cervix - which can 'bleed' during your normal cycle time) and after many tests have concluded that I have extensive endometriosis that is in the process of invading my bowels near my rectum. A quite common place for endo from what I have read.

Now we are to the Spring of 2007 and I am working on losing weight again controlling what I eat. I was following the Schwarzbein general plan. One of the foods I incorporated into my diet was a protein bar made by Kraft in conjunction with South Beach Diet. That spring I suddenly began to lose weight without even trying. It was dropping off, I felt good, had energy and then it started. Suddenly I was having panic attacks, was going to the bathroom (number 2) 5-8 times a day, my hair was falling out and all this just made the endo problems even more aggravating.

MY CONNECTION (in case your scanning because your tired of all the drivel) Those protein bars have lots of soy in them. I've been trying to figure out what happened then, trying to recreate the good without the bad - not sure its possible now. At the time I really felt like everything was finally falling into place, my body was 'functioning' again. Maybe if I ate soy products with the supervision of my doctors so it was controlled? I know this all goes together. I really don't think I need to be on all this medication. Oh, I'm not finished yet...I have also been diagnosed as having hypothyroidism and am on Levoxyl as well as Bipolar2 and am taking Cymbalta for that. The drugs I think I should be able to eliminate if I can get my hormonal system working like it should: Welbutrin, Levoxyl, Cymbalta, Vicadin and ibuprofen.

Well, it's getting late and I have things to do tomorrow.

Last day w/ fit trainer and first day of summer

2009-06-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

My last meeting with my fit trainer was this afternoon and it went well. He showed me a couple of new machines and my arms are feeling it - but it's good! I need to look a couple of things up - one in particular - I think I may have figured out what caused my body to go haywire two summers ago. I need to look up the ingredients for a protien bar. It is late and I didn't make to bed until after midnight the last two nights and still had to get up at 6:30. Off to bed now for some z's and more writing tomorrow afternoon. Need to head to hardware store for a few things and work on getting this house at least surface clean and start planning out the summer's projects. So much to do, so little time and don't really feel like doing any of it. But no more but glued to couch - time to get out of this funk and get back to living. I'm hoping that this will blog will help me cut back on a few bills - like counseling. I either need to write and then print it off, take it to my session and read it or not bother going. I have all these things I know I need to work on get straight in my head but when I sit on the couch in front of her I only manage to share the surface stuff - the deeper things comment out in final comments as the session is ending. "We'll have to explore that more..." and we never do. To bed, To bed!! G'night and thanks to those of you who have indicated you will be at least 'watching'.

"Grace is a priceless gift."

Great article

2009-06-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

I receive a newsletter from this website and this article (http://www.womentowomen.com/adrenalfatigue/adrenalglandweightgain.aspx?) was one of the most recent. I have read similar information, most notably when reading the Schwarzbein books. It is for this very reason I feel that if I can get my diet regulated, exercise regularly and manage my stress I will be able to get off all these &*%$ drugs that keep me sane, stop the pain and not feel so worn down all the time.

Quick exercise update: I worked out on Monday 30 minutes on the treadmill (1.78 miles, 250+ calories) and the lower body/core exercise machines. Tuesday was 45 minutes treadmill (2.+ miles, 350+ calories) and 15 minutes bike (1.5+ miles & 175+ calories)

Need to get to bed, one of my goals is to get to bed earlier so that I am getting at least 7 hours sleep every night.

"For Thine is the glory!"

It appears that you have to click on the blog title to get to the article. I'll have to figure out what I am doing wrong. Let me know if you can't get to the article and I will just paste it in. G'night!

Adding to the routine

2009-06-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

After the second meeting with the trainer I took Krys with me to the gym. She used the treadmill with me and then watched as I worked on the machines. I had told her about J having me use the more difficult ab machine. Can't remember it's name but you sit with hands hold bars behind ears and lift legs as you cruch toward your knees. Anyway...she wanted to know which one it was so pointed it out and someone was using it. He was making it look easy so she made comment about it not seeming that hard. I had to show her of course (that competative spirit took over!) that it wasn't easy but mom could do it! Pushed myself to hard and irritated an area on my left side that acts up now and then. I'm pretty sure it is my endometriosis and/or scar tissue from the surgeries (c-section, fybroidectomy and hysterectomy). If I move, cough or sneeze wrong I will sometimes feel this ripping sensation that is quick; like you've been stabbed. Then it will throb for a time, sometimes it is enough that I will take something. This time it was enough I thought it best to lay low until it, at least, wasn't tender to the touch.

My third day with J was yesterday and I explained why I had postponed our appointment. He aggreed it was likely that machine. He decided to show me some additional machines that would work on the muscles in and around that area. He also lowered the weight and reps on the ab machine and stressed again that I need to increase reps not weight. He ended up cutting our time short and scheduling me for another day next week. He said he wanted another day to make sure I was comfortable with the new machines. I went back up and did more cardio to finish out my hour before going home. I feel ok today; the area is sore and I can feel it every now and then. I'm planning on working out tomorrow but only doing cardio.

It feels good to be 'feeling' my body. Sore muscles remind you that you have more work to do and ensure that you do it because two days rest means stiffer muscles! Need to get ready for bed. Good night!

Work hard to please Him!

The Journey Begins...

2009-06-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

I started this blog hoping to force myself into being accountable in my efforts to take better care of myself. I recently signed up for a gym and will have my third and final meeting with the trainer on Friday. He has given me a very rigorous workout to help get rid of the fat and tone up the muscle. The hard part is going to be getting myself there on a regular basis. I would really prefer a treadmill here at home so I didn't have to go anywhere but that will have to wait and my getting healthy won't. I am working on an eating plan that will work for me ant my family. Mom has recommended a program called Medifast and I have looked into it but I am not sure I want to go that route. I wouldn't be able to eat all of their foods because a lot of it is soy based and my obgyn said to stay away from soy due to my endometriosis. Which adds a whole different element to this whole process. I have learned the hard way that when the endo is inflamed it is not good to exercise - it only makes it worse. I am hoping that once I have been exercising regularly I will begin to notice a decrease in the pain and will be able to work-out through the flair-ups.

I've put it off long enough, as much as I don't want to I am going to post my physical bio tonight. I have officially weighed and measured myself to establish a staring point for this journey of healing. This is only one facet of the journey - the others will be explored later or in other postings. For now, the weight issue!!

The facts:

Height: 5'7"
Weight: 220 lbs
Neck: 15"
Rt Arm: 14 1/2"
Chest: 45" (over breast) 35" (under breast)
Waist: 37"
Hips: 46"
Rt Thigh: 28"

I currently wear a women's size 16 and put more stock in how I feel and look than in what the scale says. In high school I learned that my size and weight did not match. I could wear the same clothes as friends that weighed 135 but I weighed 150-155. I beleive that 175 is a reasonable goal for me to acheive at this point. I am 20+ years past high school and realistic enough to know that bearing a child and age change the body in ways that can't always be reversed.

Over the next few blogs I will continue to share my current 'state of affairs'. A quick synopsis is that over the years I have (in order) been diagnosed and/or been treated for the following: major depression, irritable bowl syndrome, fybroid tumors (4 removed), hypothyroidism, fybroid tumors (again), endometriosis, bi-polar 2 disorder. Getting to this point in life was not easy, I made a lot of mistakes along the way and have not treated my body as well as I should have. My life is taking a turn since I will soon be an 'empty nester' and I should be looking forward to this time when I am young and free to do so many things. NOT!!!! I am so tired and worn out most the time that I haven't even done the things I dreamed of doing with my daughter.

I can't change the past but I can certainly change the outlook for the future and I can take each moment as it comes, praying each step will be guided by the hand of God as I work to become healthy in all aspects of my life: spiritual, emotional, physical and relational.

Comforted for now...:) goodnight!

Life is hectic

2009-06-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

School is almost out and hopefully things will slow down some. Its not that I've had so much to do really, just a lot of emotional 'stuff' at work and home. Sometimes I wonder if it is really such a great idea to put off dealing with some of these things until 'summer begins'. At the same time I am just not up to any more emotional strain. Krystal is not getting better like I would like. She was running another low grade fever last night. Not than anyone is paying attention but for an update she has been very sick. What we thought was an infection from a budding wisdom tooth turned into a very bad case of strep throat (took two antibiotics to get rid of it) and mono. When they did the blood tests her liver enzymes were elevated which is cause for some concern. They want her getting her blood checked every two weeks until she tests negative. I'm not sure how we are supposed to go about doing that when she is up in Washington but we'll figure it out. I want to get to bed. I'm meeting my new boss tomorrow and want to be rested. I'll be on here more frequently in the near future as I work to get my self back on track. Have a good one and God Bless all.

Mother's day

2009-05-10T18:32:00.001-07:00

The morning was wonderful. Krys brought me breakfast in bed that consisted of eggs benedict (1/2 order), the other half a muffin had strawberry jam, a blueberry muffin a glass of orange juice all served on a tray. That is the first time she has ever tried anything that involved so much cooking and she did a wonderful job. J. is getting ready right now for us to go out. He is taking me out to dinner. I just want us to have some quiet time together where we can talk about some things. Nothing bad, I just want him on board with this whole take care of me thing. I can't do it if I don't have the support of my family too. He has to be willing to be a part of the process without feeling like I am neglecting him or anything. I am hoping that I get a few supporters on here as well. I am going to leave it public for a while longer and also invite some people that I feel will be supportive and understanding. We really need to get things pulled together for all our sakes. He's the always harping at me about my responsibilty as a parent and I need to be sure I am doing all I can. Well, we haven't been doing all we can and we need to lay down some plans. It's about time to go so I'm signing off for now.

Movie night

2009-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time we all sat down to watch a movie together. When we got the movies we picked up some snack items to go along. I was the only one who managed to stay awake throught he movie - not that it was boring by any means. They were just tired I guess. Tried to sleep in a little this mornin but didn't. Ahh well. I have instructions to not leave bed tomorrow until given 'permission'. :) Mom called today from Alaska - they are celebrating today to avoid crowds. We are celebrating with Karen on the 23 because she is busy tomorrow. Well, I might write more later...have chores to do want to do a little research.

Today was better...

2009-05-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today was a quick day with work, getting Krystal, going to physical therapy and then home for dinner. Dinner was easy though, Karen sent left overs; home-made chili and some ham hocks and beans. Krystal made some cornbread and dinner was done!! Now I'm watching "Medium" and will be heading for bed soon. Thought I better stick with my commitment though and write down what I ate today.
BR - 1/2 bagel w/Swiss; OJ w/ grapefruit seed extract

LN - 1 1/2 Jack-in-the-box chicken strips & 1/2 a small fry

DN - 2 cups chili w/ 1/8 C cheese; 2 pieces cornbread

I know I didn't drink enough water today because I didn't refill my bottle at school. I should refill it at least twice. I'm not 'teaching' since we are testing so I am doing less talking/moving which means I don't get as thirsty.

Decided I am going to post my weight on Sunday. Don't really want to and I can come up with all kinds of reasons to wait but it is just putting off the inevitable. I either do this or I don't - and being open about what I weigh is part of the deal.

I'm watching more tv than writing - it's the 2-hour "Medium". Goodnight.

Time to take action...

2009-05-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

Pain is difficult to describe. The doctor always wants to know where it lands on a scale of 1-10; 10 being the worst of course. The problem is that different kinds of pain register differently and this latest pain is nothing I've experienced before. It's as though my body feels the pain before my brain registers that it is pain.

It woke me up this morning; the neck of my shirt and my hair were damp with sweat and it felt as though there was a large knife slowly twisting deep within my hip. It hurst to walk, sit or lie down. There isn't a position that is better or that provides relief. At 6 a.m. with everyone else asleep I took some ibuprofin and came out to the living room in hopes of finding some distraction through reading or watching tv. Thought about trying to write at that point but couldn't stay in one position very long since the pain makes me so restless. Waited 40 minutes before deciding to take a Vicadin also. By 10:00 the pain was bearable but not gone so took another Vicadin. Pain started to creep back about 11:30 so took ibuprofin. Should be able to keep it under control the rest of the day with ibuprofin as long as I take it every four hours.

I am going to compose a letter to both general doc and my gynocologist. I think we need to be taking some sort of action - things are difinately getting worse. This is one of those times when I really just feel like grazing. have already eaten more than should today. Ordered pizza last night for dinner and had left over. Had a couple pieces of that and a bowl of cereal. Going to Karen's this afternoon; I guess she has chilli for us. I'm going to read up on endometriosis some more and see if there is more that i could be doing. It would be so nice if I had the ability to put all the things in place to help me get healthy. A treadmill and/or bicycle for exercise, shoes for working out, and then the energy to actually workout would be nice. John wants me to have a bicycle but I want something I can use when the weather isn't good or on days when we don't have time to take to bikes out.

On top of it all, it has now been decided that I will be moving to a different school within the district next school year. This actually is a good move since it will be the first time I will be in complete control of my own classroom and program. I have always either been part of a department (high school) or part of a teaching team. This time I will be establishing a learning center program on my own. I will have two instructional assistants and there is a speach & language therapist on site so I am not 'on my own' literally - I will have lots of support and the teacher I am replacing has done an excellent job laying the ground work. I'm going to start a wish lish though for DonorsChoose.org of all those little things that make a classroom organized.

Time to go look up a few things before we have to head over to Karen's I should have time to write again tonight - I need to figure out when and how often I am going to do weigh-ins. Until later--write mroe, eat less.

Half way through the week....

2009-04-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

I managed to get about 7 hours of sleep last night which is much better than the 4 hours I got the night before. I feel a little better today except for my endometriosis. It seems like the pain is increasing and lasting longer during the month. I need to start keeping track again so that I can give a good report to my dr. My lunch is about over so better get going. My food so far today:
BF - 1/2 bagel w/swiss cheese & oj
SN - 1 string cheese

LN - 2 C salad w/beets & corn
1/2 tuna & swiss on ww bread
1 can soda

More later.

Quick note

2009-04-28T22:20:00.001-07:00

I think I finally like the look of my blog. I hate trying to come up with something to say in the About Me section. I think this weekend I will get my daughter to help me take some photos, measurements, etc. and I will post them. I decided if I'm going to do this I have to be willing to be completely real about the whole process. How can I prove I've made progress if I don't provide a starting point. I'm not looking forward to it at all - it is very humbling to have 'the gory details' revealed about your physique. One of my self-improvement goals is to get better sleep and considering it is now almost 10:30 pm and I have to get up at 6:00 am I need to get to bed. Quick recap of today's food:
BF - bagel w/swiss cheese & oj
L - burrito (rice, beans, meat, cheese) & soda
Misc. - 2 bite-size scones; 4 rolos; 1 tortilla w/cheese; lots of water

Not a good day to start recording what I am eating I guess. Oh, well! Good night.

A little more info...

2009-04-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again. The urge to get some food struck so thought I better get to writing. It has been about 4 hours since eating last and it would be ok to eat a snack but I want to stop the habit of just jumping up and giving in immediately to the craving. Not that I'm even craving anything in particular - just feel like eating. Not sure why - bored to some degree I guess. Have things I need to do but don't feel like doing them. Laundry is in a huge pile in the bedroom and needs to be carried to the garage and sorted. Since I have to go to work tomorrow I really need to start a load as well. This brings me to my other 'new beginning'. Mom gave me two of the books written by the Slob Sisters: Sidetracked Home Executives & I don't remember the title of the other one. I'll post it later when I locate the book. Anyway, they talk about organizing your life and creating a schedule. Part of their program is to create 'job cards' for various tasks that need to be completed on daily, weekly, monthly and a yearly basis. I have used their ideas and considered my own families needs and created a system of my own. I even decorated the box to keep the 3X5 cards in to make it more appealing. My hope is that the family will buy into this and it will hopefully help to make things run a little smoother around the house. It's more a matter of actually getting things done. I'm pretty sure there are several different lists that I have started showing all the things we have needed to do since we move into this place 6 months ago. We three are a bunch of procrastinators and something has to give. I can't take the clutter, the dirt, the fighting or being fat and over weight anymore. It's time for a change!

Writing it down to make it real...

2009-04-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we call it comfort food? In the end it quite often eds up causing far more pain than comfort. Comfort is a warm blanket that softens every muscle leaving a tingle behind. As the warmth seeps into your bones you can drift off for a while---waking up warm and cozy.

Food on the other hand provides comfort as the flavor is savored and sometimes felt as it slides down our throats slowly providing that wonderful feeling of being full. It's hard to remember that feeling; I don't experience it much anymore. A friend of mine compared food to heroin one time. It provides pleasure for a while and long past when it stops providing pleasure your body still needs and craves it. Unfortunately they haven't found a methadone for food yet.

I recently found an article about people who were blogging and twittering their pounds away. As I read through the various accounts I got up several times to make my way to the kitchen. It occurred to me later that it made sense. Why not start writing every time I feel like getting some food and even when I don't. I don't want to take the pills the doc gave me, especially since I really would like to reduce the amount of medication I take- not increase it.

So, today begins my journey to a healthier (hopefully thinner) body and mind. Over the next few days I will write down the things I am trying to change and how I plan on accomplishing those changes.